So how’d I do with my predictions/wishlist? Was it my fault for asking for too much, or was the presentation just underwhelming?

No Chance In Hell

This whole section was a wash, but I guess it was always intended to be. So I see that as an absolute win.

Could Possibly Happen

Halo

Nope

Mario + Rabbids

Nopity

Metroid

No way

Haunted Chocolatier

Absolutely not

Star Fox on NSO

No, idiot

Luigi’s Mansion 4

[Fart noise]

Nintendo Switch Sports

Finally got one! Fuckin’ called it. I definitely didn’t expect it to straight up be called Nintendo Switch Sports Resort and take place on Wuhu Island (lookin’ nice in HD, by the way), but I’m not complaining. The weird little avatars are back, but so is the option to use Miis. We’ll see if they address my complaints about the first one being too online-focused; literally nothing could be unlocked by just playing the game locally with friends. I was not expecting thumb wrestling to get a slot in the sports roster. But hey, I’m not mad.

Mario Kart World DLC… Finally?

I might have whatever the opposite of “manifesting” is.

Brand New IP

LOL. Are you serious?

Pretty Likely

A New Old Zelda

Well, we now know for sure that the remake exists… and that’s about it. In the one brief shot he appeared in, Link was looking like he had some of that “Zelda in Unreal Engine Demo” syndrome. But I’ll reserve judgement until I see more of the game and its characters in different lighting and context.

Some More Nintendo Switch 2 Updates

Ugh. I just don’t care about Xenoblade. My poor little Pikmin are still out there, all alone.

All But Guaranteed

Cozy Farming Game(s)

It was confined to a montage, but I’m counting Everbloom here.

Several Anime Games That I Am Simply Unable to Care About That Come With Their Own Theme Songs

The very way I framed this prediction was probably going to piss off specific types of people. Plenty of anime-ass games, but curiously devoid of a theme song with lyrics.

Closing Thoughts

Wow, I was pretty underwhelmed. More Third-Party ports are always good for the health of a console, but there was a dearth of First-Party surprises. Nearly everything from Nintendo themselves was stuff we already knew about in some way, and the Ocarina of Time remake showed us next to nothing about what we should expect from the actual game; not even a notification about an upcoming Direct focused on the game, even though they insist it’s coming later this year. Without that little teaser and the announcement of Nintendo Switch Sports Resort, this felt more like a Partner Showcase to me than a proper Direct. I’m not expecting every single game to appeal to me in some way, but Fire Emblem and Xenoblade don’t really do anything to move the needle for me. I’m happy for the people who love those series, but some more surprises would have been nice.

The new thing that excited me the most? Probably Pikuniku 2, honestly. I enjoyed the first one a lot as a short and breezy little adventure. No one needs to sell me on Star Fox, Rhythm Heaven, Orbitals, or Splatoon Raiders; I’ve seen enough and I’m already planning to pick them up.

Nintendo seems like it’s in something of a precarious place at the moment, with rising hardware costs, a shaky world economy, and seemingly precious few irons in the fire to keep fans excited. And to me, this Direct was not even close to what the company needed to restore some excitement and goodwill around their brand. I don’t think they’re at risk of bankrupting during this generation or anything. But there just seems to be an air of “meh” around the Switch 2, both from players and from the company itself. They seem to have gotten a bit complacent after the smashing success of the original Switch.

Third-Party support might carry the console through some otherwise sparse offerings, but non-exclusive games don’t do much for me. In general, I’d rather get multi-platform games for one of the more powerful devices I own. File sizes are getting too large for the Switch 2’s limited storage, larger SDXC cards are still quite expensive, and far too many games either release physically on Game Key Cards or have the $10 upcharge if it uses a proper Game Card that contains the full game. If it’s going to be taking up drive space anyway, I’d rather just go all-in on the convenience of digital and play the PC version on my GabeCube and Steam Deck; the scalability and openness of PC versions is generally my favorite way to play (and indie games tend to release on PC long before they ever land a console release), and I can still play portably if the game works on Steam Deck. And if a game doesn’t run on those, I’ll usually just pick it up on PS5, since it will pretty much always look nicer and run smoother than any Switch 2 version. There are exceptions, of course. Couch multiplayer games are way easier to carry around and get controllers set up on a Switch 2, so games like Overcooked and Marvel Cosmic Invasion are ones I went for. And handheld play (and, often, gyro support) is a huge boon if there isn’t a PC version of a game, so I’ll sometimes opt for that over a PS5 version if the performance is sufficiently comparable. But outside of those niche cases, Third-Party, multi-platform ports are simply not what I own a Switch 2 for; so overall, this was a pretty underwhelming presentation for me.

And you still couldn’t fucking pay me to care about Kingdom Hearts.