Another Direct, another bunch of demands from an entitled neckbeard. As usual, I’m gonna focus mostly on the First-Party stuff, since I generally get Third-Party and indie titles on PC. But there may be one or two special outliers if I find them noteworthy.

No Chance In Hell

New F-Zero, Wario Land, ARMS 2, or Anything Else That Would Bring Me That Amount of Joy

At least we have F-Zero GX on NSO. That’s better than a kick in the nuts, at least.

Super Mario 3D Land HD

It’s gotta happen one of these days, right? I’m just gonna keep screaming into the void about it until it does. If and when it does happen, the monkey’s paw will probably slap me in the face with a $60 price tag.

A New Super Smash Bros.

I’d love to be wrong about this one, but I just don’t think the timeline adds up. Unless Masahiro Sakurai passed the torch to another lead designer some time ago, he’s probably still too fresh off of Kirby Air Riders to have anything worth showing, if he’s even working on it at all. While I don’t think a new Smash is on the cards at the moment, I could much more easily see some kind of Nintendo Switch 2 Edition update for Ultimate getting announced. The latter would actually be the ideal scenario for my tastes, since the odds of a new game topping Ultimate’s go-for-broke approach seem pretty low to me. Just adding some new stages and/or fighters to a native Switch 2 port would be more than enough to keep my Smash needs filled for the generation. Otherwise, I still maintain that the Smash Bros. series would need to reinvent itself in some manner.

Wii App for NSO

GameCube games are already coming in at a painfully slow drip, and mapping some kind of universal control method to the Joy-Cons to account for the varied Wii Remote and Nunchuck functions is probably a more complex task than it seems. I’d love to be wrong, but I just don’t see it happening at the moment.

Could Possibly Happen

Anything Halo

This would have seemed way more likely before Asha Sharma took over “XBOX” near the start of the year, since she seems to be re-prioritizing console exclusivity. But Halois still in an odd place, with Halo: Campaign Evolved still slated for a PS5 release (and it's really fucking surreal to see the "Captured on PS5 Pro" disclaimer at the bottom of the trailer from the Xbox showcase). That could very well just be them following through on that one commitment, with future releases confined to Xbox and PC; one game isn’t a guarantee that the whole slate of rumored remakes will wade outside of the Xbox ecosystem. But who knows? We may still see some kind of Halo: The Master Chief Collection port or something confirmed for Switch 2 if there was already one cooking. Halo Studios (nee 343 Industries) can barely get a working game out the door on the best of days, so I'd have very little confidence in any kind of Switch 2 port of Campaign Evolved. Out of anything that could happen, the worst case would probably be ports of Spartan Assault and/or Spartan Strike.

Mario + Rabbids

Ubisoft hasn’t been coy about their disappointment over the sales of Sparks of Hope, and the director of the two games in the series, Davide Soliani, has moved on and joined Day 4 Night Studios. So the future of the franchise is in a very uncertain place that I’m not optimistic about. I could see a Nintendo Switch 2 Edition update for one or both of the previous games, but I have low hopes for a proper sequel.

Metroid

Metroid Dread is already coming up on its 5 year anniversary, and if MercurySteam was enlisted for a sequel in haste, we could possibly be due for a new 2D entry. Dread was fantastic and hit new sales milestones for the historically niche series, so trusting the same team with a sequel seems like a no-brainer. But I'd also take no issue with a potential remake using Dread's engine and gameplay style; Super Metroid or Metroid Fusion would both be acceptable candidates in my book, but I'd prefer Super or a new game entirely. On the less exciting end of the spectrum, an HD remaster of Samus Returns would also not be unappreciated. I have no idea what the status of the Prime subseries is after the somewhat lukewarm reception and sales of Prime 4, but outside of a some kind DLC, I’d guess that it’s way too early to expect any announcements even if there is anything actually in the pipeline to continue the Prime story. But outside of those options, I’d also welcome any kind of spin-off, especially a revival of the failed Metroid Tactics pitch that Retro Studios prototyped way back in the Wii era. [Slow pan over to Federation Force in the corner, looking real sinister]

Haunted Chocolatier

We’ve been waiting a long time for news on ConcernedApe’s follow-up to Stardew Valley. As a solo dev who likes to take his time to get things right, I wouldn’t want to rush him in any way; plus, he keeps giving us free Stardew Valley updates, so no complaints there. A short update or trailer would probably be the best case scenario, but I doubt it will actually be released in the near future, if we hear anything at all. I’d probably end up getting it on PC, but it’d still be nice to hear some kind of update.

Keep the Star Fox Momentum Going

They don't seem to announce NSO updates very often in Nintendo Directs, but if they did announce some returning Star Fox games coming to the service, Adventures and Assault are about the only viable candidates, given the series’ sparse release history. I doubt they'll be adding a DS app any time soon, but I'd love to be wrong about that. But even then, Star Fox Command would probably be waaaaay down the list of priority titles to put on there.
It would probably be too early to announce the potential next steps for the Star Fox franchise, especially with the Switch 2's Star Fox on the horizon later this month. If not framed correctly, it might risk cannibalizing sales if fan are more willing to wait for the new game instead of playing this remake. But if it was done well, maybe they could tease the next original game in the series that the remake may or may not be a test run for. "Here, enjoy this appetizer while the chef prepares the main course". That's naively optimistic and far from something I should expect, but it would make for a very pleasant surprise; especially after the somewhat baffling announcement of yet another remake of Star Fox 64.

Luigi’s Mansion 4

This would mostly be dependent on whether Next Level Games is indeed the developer behind the new Star Fox or not, since they’re not a studio that handles multiple big projects at a time (to my knowledge), and I really wouldn’t want anyone else to take the reins after they knocked Luigi’s Mansion 3 out of the park. If they have indeed been working on a spooky sequel, I can only imagine how much they’ll be able to flex their technical prowess on the more powerful Switch 2 hardware. I still hold that Luigi’s Mansion 3 was the best looking game on the original Switch; these guys are some kind of wizards when it comes to optimization and animation.

Nintendo Switch Sports 2

To me, Nintendo Switch Sports was the epitome of a “whelming” game that did the minimum for a passing grade and nothing else. The narrow focus on online play and the de-centering of Miis were the biggest turnoffs for my tastes. I wouldn’t be upset if they took another crack at it, especially if Miis were front and center again. While they’re definitely not as central as they used to be, Nintendo did just release Tomadachi Life: Living the Dream, so we at least know they aren’t trying to kill them off or anything.

Mario Kart World DLC… Finally?

I keep predicting this every single time a Direct is scheduled, and I always make a fool of myself. Let’s see if I’m a broken watch and finally get the time right by accident. If there isn’t some kind of update announcement soon, maybe they simply aren’t planning one. It took years for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe to get a huge, surprise DLC that basically doubled the size of the game, so hell if I know what’s going on here. Free updates would obviously be ideal, since this is already an $80 game; I doubt Nintendo would want to risk splintering the player base of one of their most high-profile online games by paywalling tracks, but I wouldn’t put it past them to charge for the hypothetical content either.

Brand New IP

Something totally new would be a nice refresher. Dealer’s choice. Surprise me.

Pretty Likely

A New Old Zelda

I’m still taking that little pinch of salt with me, but NateTheHate was right about Star Fox. That doesn’t automatically mean they were right about an Ocarina of Time remake as well, but I’d be a little surprised if something of this nature wasn’t formally announced tomorrow. But I’m not gonna speculate at all on what form it might take, like whether it hews closer to a faithful remake or a complete reimagining. At the very least, I'd would be surprised if there wasn't something related to The Legend of Zelda series getting announced, be it an NSO release, a port of a Wii U remaster, or some weird little physical product akin to Alarmo or the Talking Flower.

Some More Nintendo Switch 2 Updates

There are still a few First-Party games for the original Switch that have yet to receive proper Switch 2 updates, either through paid "Nintendo Switch 2 Edition" upgrades or free updates to boost performance or add Switch 2-specific features. I think Pikmin 3 and/or Pikmin 4 would be the strongest contenders; I just have a feeling that the lack of updates means they've been holding back while they have something a little bigger cooking. Mouse Mode controls would be a huge game changer for these two.

All But Guaranteed

Cozy Farming Game(s)

It wouldn’t be a Nintendo Direct without at least one of them. Let’s not break the streak now.

Several Anime-Looking Games That I Am Simply Unable to Care About That Also Come With Their Own Theme Songs For Some Reason

The songs all sound the same to me. Am I crazy? Or just stupid? Either way, these announcements at least give me a moment to zone out and work on other things.

Let's do this. I'm ready to be hurt again.