Mario Kart World, the as-of-now upcoming launch for the Nintendo Switch 2, has the largest initial base roster of playable characters of any Mario Kart game yet. However, the abundance of out-of-left-field choices and generic enemies/NPCs in the cast means there are more than a few glaring apparent omissions in regards to both returning racers and highly-requested new faces. If the game ends up adding new characters in expansions or free updates down the line, what are some of the characters we could end up seeing? On this list, I’ll note where the character was last seen in the Mario Kart franchise, if applicable. Expect no editorializing whatsoever. No, we're going to dig deep into the data to predict the yesses and the no's of possible roster reveals/additions. Also, spoilers for the 1993 film Body Melt, I guess.
Professor E. Gadd (New)
Given how popular Luigi's Mansion has become, it's surprising we haven't already seen this geriatric little egghead pop up in the series yet. I’m sure he’s got that distinct old man smell of off-brand soap and mothballs, but just calm down. You can’t smell through the TV, you idiot.
Poochy (Tour)
He's cute as fuck, okay? Do I really need to justify this? Are you some kind of coldhearted bastard? Let the dog drive. The one point of concern is how big and thick that tongue is. I feel like he's going to choke to death on it, like that lady in the film Body Melt.
Prince Florian (New)
Again, cute as fuck. I don’t need to defend this choice, so go cry in your pie. If fucking Wiggler can be a driver for four games in a row, why can’t this infinitely cuter little grub get invited?
Cappy (New)
I heard he’s not in Mario Kart World because he’s currently being held in pretrial detention in New Donk City while several inter-kingdom courts try to figure out what exactly to charge him with. His many, many counts of violating the bodily autonomy of and endangering all manner of sentient beings is—for good reason—not being taken lightly. Like, how do you even classify the crime of mind-controlling a Pokio and forcing him to murder his friends with his extendable beak? Accessory to Murder Through Magical Compulsion? Weaponization of a Civilian Creature? Regardless of the outcome, this will be a groundbreaking case that is being watched with great interest.
Kongs (Various)
Diddy Kong? Sure. I honestly don’t know why y'all love him so much, but you’re right, it doesn’t feel complete without him here. Dixie Kong? I mean, I guess. We already have Donkey and Diddy, so why not complete the trifecta? They could probably reuse a lot of Diddy’s animations anyway. Cranky Kong? Alright, alright. Probably shouldn’t be on the road at his age, but I know it’s a hard discussion to have with an aging relative. Funky Kong? Are you serious? He’s barely a character. He’s just a DK clone who’s only personality trait is “surfer dude”, and his voice was annoying as hell in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. But sure, why not. Here’s your fifth fucking monkey, you weirdos.
Koopalings (8 Deluxe)
“oH, bOo HoO hOo, tHeY tAkE uP tOo MaNy ChArAcTeR sLoTs”. I don’t fucking care. GIVE THEM BACK. You really think you’ll ever come close to being as cool as Roy? Pshhh. You couldn’t pull off those sunglasses, and you fucking know it.
Boom Boom & Pom Pom (New)
I’ll bet you forgot these two even existed, didn’t you? That’s fair, because even though they’ve appeared numerous times in the last decade, they just look like Koopalings with all of the personality filed away. They’re like if you had a Koopaling character creator and left every single slider and customization option at default.
Broodals (New)
“bUt ThEy’Re JuSt ThE kOoPaLiNgS iN rAbBiT fOrM”. Fuck you, you’re wrong. They’re way more stylish. Especially Rango, with his John Hammond-looking ass outfit.
Lumalee (New)
Part of me wants to exclude him just because I thought his portrayal in The Super Mario Bros. Movie was cringey, but what the hell. I’m signing an executive order to issue the gluttonous little star another “cute as fuck” pass.
Petey Piranha (8 Deluxe)
He was probably cut at the last minute because Nintendo finally deduced that “Petey” is probably short for “Peter”, and “peter” can be a word for a penis. Buncha prudes. To be fair, it probably doesn’t help his case that he is an eyeless creature with a rounded head who is known for spewing “goop” out of his only discernible orifice.
King Bob-omb (Tour)
No gods or kings, only man. Nah, just playing. He’s cool.
Wart (New)
I dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die. I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Then I was young and unafraid. And dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid. No song unsung, no wine, untasted.
Fawful (New)
7. And lo, the beanstalk did quake, and the heavens rolled back like a scroll, revealing the chariot of malice drawn by engines of smoke.
8. And upon it came he, the Mouth of Cackletta, whose goggles burned with knowing, whose grin split the skies.
9. He cried aloud, saying, "I have fury, and fury has me! A drizzling of rage dressing upon the land!"
10. Then did the Item Boxes fall silent, and the Spiny Shells turned not aside, for the age of Fawful had come.
— The Book of Chortles, 3:7–10
There you have it. The prophecy foretold his arrival in Mario Kart. You’ll see. You’ll all see…
Geno & Mallow (New)
I didn’t grow up playing Super Mario RPG, so I never understood why everyone wanted Geno in Smash Bros. so daggum bad. I played the remake last year, and I get it now. Okay? I get it. Geno is a cool character. And Mallow is—once more—cute as fuck. But guys, we gotta stop trying to make Geno happen. We’re just hurting ourselves at this point. How many more times can this same wound be reopened by the sharp knife of hope?
Lubba (New)
Oh? I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing. We should talk later… in private…
Honey Queen (7)
Her? You want her back? Y’all are some nasty little freaks, you know that?
Pink Gold Peach (8 Deluxe)
No, absolutely not. Get out. I mean it. This is where I draw the line. Leave.